When someone askes me "How are you today Carla?" a million things run through my mind and I never know what to say. But my respond is always "I'm fine" Wanna know why? Because no one wants to hear the truth. No one has the time to listen. No one wants to know how I really am. Who would want to listen to me break down and cry while I explain everything that is wrong at 2 in the morning? So I keep it simple and keep it to myself. Here's the truth.......
This morning at 5am while I was at work, there was a leak in my clients ceiling. Found out the resident directly above us died while showering and his entire apartment flooded which meant my clients apartment flooded. (short version of that story) Drove home, Landen was hyper as always in the morning so I made him bkft while I patiently waited for Elliott to get on skype. He did, and we chatted for about an hour or so. He didn't have a webcam or a headset so he could see and hear me but I couldn't see or hear him. He could only type back to what I was saying. Once we were done and Landen was finished with bkft, I put him down for a nap. While he was napping I caught up on laundry, fed the dogs, made sure they got out to go potty, paid bills, did dishes, cleaned up the house and toys, swept and mopped the floors, all just in time to wake Landen up to have lunch. I actually got to leave the house for lunch and meet with my two best guy friends that I miss terribly. It was very nice to visit with them, since I've pretty much stayed in my house the last few months. As lunch was finished I rushed over to my friends house so she could watch Landen for me so I could get my nails filled. (had been almost a month since they were filled last. I have to find a sitter each time) At the nail salon I fell asleep numerous times as she was doing my nails. Finally done there and picked up my son. Came home to put him down for his second nap of the day. He only slept for about 45 minutes till I heard him screaming bloody murder. Rushed in his room to find him dead asleep but screaming. It took me a few minutes to wake him up, and he was not happy about it. I tried to snuggle with him to make him feel better but he took his anger out on me and kept hitting me. So I layed him back down because he was very tired still. Fell asleep again after 5 minutes. I had to call into work because I can't take him to work screaming and I have no one else to take him at night. So there goes 100 bucks. Checked my mail and the IRS sent us a letter saying we owe them 1,500 bucks for last years taxes. Argued on the phone with Elliotts previous employers (Target) about his Health benefits that of course they wont talk to me about because I'm not Elliott Anderson. All of this happened in one day for me. That's just one day in my life. Doing it all by myself. Alone. When I'm used to having Elliott by my side for the past 7 years, I'm alone. This past week, I found out my sons birth mom was arrested on 2 felony charges, wants to see Landen and hates my guts. Stayed up till 2am the other night arguing with her and waking up the next morning to nasty texts that I will not repeat. Every day I miss my husband but I keep going. I have to. I have NO choice. I put a smile on my face and act like everything is ok. I cry myself to sleep almost every night. During the day I keep busy enough to not worry about anything. Night time rolls around and I get sad. Wishes he was here next to me, or at least in the United States so I could call or even text him. But he's half way across the world. I wait every morning to chat with him on the computer hoping I'll be able to see him if he has a webcam. I can't even watch tv or the news without crying. I watch Landen every second during the day because I don't want to miss anything he does. I'm mommy and daddy. I feel guilty and hate leaving him with anyone because I'm scared he will think I won't come back. I apologize if I'm a little off, or not myself sometimes, I apologize if I need a few nights off from work every once and awhile because I'm so sad I don't want to leave my house, I apologize if I don't wanna socialize with my friends and family some days because all I do is think of Elliott and how it would be so much better if he were here with me. So as each day comes to an end I head for bed and lay there for a few hoursas everything runs through my mind. Hoping I can sleep at least 5 hours to wake up and do it all over again. For another 8 months. With that said,the next time you want to ask me how I'm doing.......don't. Because I'll always say "I'm fine"
